Surviving The Break Up

The hardest thing in the world is to think you found what God has for you and then lose it…

It’s taken months for me to finish this piece, simply because every time I thought it was over, it wasn’t. Originally I was going to write about losing the best thing I ever had, but that turned out to be false. Then I learned some things that made me want to write about the HUGE bullet I dodged. Yet, here I am about to share a little bit of both.

Before I fell in love, I mean really fell in love, I thought that it was nothing more than a fairytale. I thought it wasn’t necessary and as long as I told myself I didn’t care I’d never miss it. I substituted “talking” for dating and was the champion of “no titles”. I would entertain a few guys here and there you know, to keep my cool when I heard about other girls because those were the rules. That was how you played the game, and ya girl was not going to admit to taking an L. Truth is I’d loved before but never had an expectation that they’d love me back. By my actions, honestly I didn’t require it. Then this one guy came along. And when he came, boy was he some type of unicorn in my life! He would want to hold my hand, I claimed I didn’t like public intimacy. He would surprise me at school after class because he hated that I took public transportation. He never wanted me anywhere that he couldn’t protect me, and as busy as his schedule was I thought he had too much time on his hands. He’d take me to dinners, movies, shopping whatever I wanted whenever he was free. And when he would drop me off to my car at night and try to kiss me I’d turn my head. I was a TRIP, completely blind to what was in front of me. Had no clue that even though I was in my early twenties I had finally met a MAN. I mean I’ve always dated older guys (of course within reason) so I figured a knew the game, and in that game real men didn’t exist. What broke me was his consistency. I mean seriously, I sucked in my lips when he tried to kiss me but he’d just do something sweeter the next day!

He listened, hey paid attention, and he celebrated my accomplishments like I never seen before. He literally loved the HELL out of me. And that’s when I realized he was never the weirdo or the problem, it was me. I was so hurt, so damaged by my past that everything I thought I could live without was everything I dreamed of. A man that was kind, patient, willing to provide and make me feel safe. Most of all he was dedicated to being my everything, including my best friend. Wow, so now I am head over hills! I realized what I had and thank God he hadn’t left me before I did lol. Every single wall I’d ever put up in life had immediately been knocked down with sweet nothings and surprise roses on Sundays. Now I’m in a relationship, like A REAL ONE. No games, no outside dates, hell I’d stop responding to other guys’ text messages because there was nothing more they could do for me. I’m thinking in my head “this has to be my husband”, yea, scared me too. That was my first mistake.

Fast forward to the first theme I thought this blog would have, “losing the best thing I ever had”. Well of course by the title you can tell things didn’t quite work out. There were two break ups that changed our lives forever. The first was me going away for six months and living without him. Ironically by the time he came back around the decision was permanent and all I could do was enjoy our last days. We tried the long distance thing but it revealed SO much about this “husband” I thought I wanted. After a lot of stress and continuous arguing I had to make the hardest decision of my life, break it off for good. I WAS SICK! I don’t think I’ve ever cried that way before over a living being. What was I going to do? What was I giving up? I mean we argued but this was my MAN. He was so sweet and so caring, girl do you know how hard that is to find? I’d given up my happiness trying to find my dag on happiness!

That’s where this blog should’ve ended but you guys are smart, remember I had another theme right? “the HUGE bullet I dodged”. Now I’ve heard/seen worse, but Mr. Perfect wasn’t so perfect. In fact, Mr. Perfect was somebody else’s Mr. Perfect. Here I am floating on cloud nine not realizing this was a two woman show. So of course I put him in the just another sorry man category. I was angry, I was hurt, and clearly I wanted to tell my readers about it. But once I started to type on this keyboard again I couldn’t. Instead I started to ask myself what is it about me that put me in this never ending cycle. I mean my gosh I must just not be worthy right? And that’s when it clicked. I, miss I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T didn’t know my own worth. All this time I let a man define it. Even when I thought I was in control!

Then the search started, the soul searching, and it’s far from over. But you want to know what treasures I’ve picked up along the way? I found out that love is a beautiful thing, and in it’s own time it will settle where it’s meant to be. I realized that pain and pressure is necessary but it’s not a life sentence. Oh, but then I began to really seek God, and that’s when I started to see myself. I am HIS and as long as I try to control what is his it’ll fail every time. HE will allow me to go through as much as I need to until I learn to use my will to protect my heart in the way he’s asked me to. I’ve also learned that this man that I’ve been babbling on about wasn’t the best thing that happened to me but he wasn’t the worst. He was a necessity. He chiseled my heart just enough so that it could breathe again. See when I tell this story I never give credit to the missing piece in this whole relationship. The one who may not have put it together but as soon as it served it’s purpose allowed it to grow apart.

This may have been one of my longest pieces but I found something that day, on that hunt. I found the real treasure, the reason I survived the break up. It wasn’t me, it was HE, who found me.

It’s not fact or fiction, just my opinion! -Kandi